Monday, August 3, 2020

Thought Spills When I Should Be Asleep

It's almost 4AM and I am restless. Watched the Bucks - Rockets game. Caught up on some YouTube videos. Finished reading the book I was reading. Pretty much did everything except work on my digital portfolio. And the utter boredom in wee hours of the morning made room for my thoughts to go whichever way they saw fit, leaving me no room for the sleep I'm currently craving. 

Life. Life has been...somewhat interesting; every week varies. Some days, I feel like I'm on autopilot, barely existing. Other days, life is so robust and full of pleasant surprises and moments of happiness (that I try to not hold onto too tightly and therefore, neglecting to stay present). Then there are those days where every thought and emotion comes unexpectedly rushing to me at once, invading my space and sitting there until I find a way to ward them off. Either I'm somewhere at home, trying to make the most of my time or I'm questioning the purpose of life and thinking of all the things I took for granted pre-2020.

So I'll start with yesterday was absolutely perfect and so full of good vibes and positive energy. Good people. Good food. Quality time spent in the pool underneath a blaring sun, slightly shaded by the clouds. The only thing I hated was that I do not share the same affection for this genuine and amazing guy who likes me, who was also the reason for such an amazing day. I really hate that the main reason I don't like him back is mainly because he's too nice. Inexplicably nice. Sounds horrible, I know...I'm just being honest.

Regardless of who I'm with or who I'm thinking about romantically at any given moment, it shouldn't matter, because there are bigger, more important things to focus my attention on, such as my career, getting my finances in order, potentially moving across the country during a pandemic...I really can't afford to be distracted right now, which is what I've been telling myself for the past few months. Even in the moments of pure bliss, I know there's more - more that I should be doing, more that I'm reaching towards, more that the circumstances I'm in, as well as what I choose to be distracted by.

Then a reminder. 

As I was eyeing over my collection of books, trying to figure out what to read next, I randomly picked up 'More Than Enough' by Elaine Welteroth again, simply because I felt like reading, and a couple pages in, I was hit by a ton of bricks: 

"When your dreams are bigger than the places you find yourself in, sometimes you need to seek out your own reminders that there is more. And there is always more waiting for you on the other side of fear."

 And this one, especially regarding my casual mention of a potential cross-country move:

"I was finally waking up to my own possibilities, and to a deeper realization of the power of vision and faith - two of the most important tools I would need on my journey. For the first time, I understood that the bigness of my life would be determined not only by the bigness of my dreams, but also by my capacity to trust that there is a Higher Power who would always take those dreams and multiply them." 

Love it when my thoughts end up in revelations, so I wasn't just roaming the endless corridor of my thoughts and my bookshelf at 4 in the morning in vain.


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