Saturday, December 28, 2013

Good Vibes Only

Clubbing and bar hopping got old to me really fast. Even years after realizing I outgrew it, I would still go, because that's what the people I hung out with did on the weekends. It may not seem like a legit reason, but I'm just being honest. At one point it was so uncomfortable, you know, to be so outside of my element in dark swanky bars and suffocating clubs, but liquor makes everything better for a moment, right? I ignored the pain and drowned my conscious thoughts in full bottles, feeling empty. The return home was always my most cherished part of the night. I took off my clothes, took off my mask, and laid right next to a dog that, even now, seems to understand me better than humans do most days.

As of lately, I find comfort in saying 'no'. At times I feel bad about it, because those "friends" take my rejection to invites personally. However, I'm learning more each day how to be true to myself, which means not filling my space and time with things that aren't aligned with who I am anymore. The individuals who fail to understand are probably the ones who aren't growing with me. I do understand that we all progress at different paces, but I can't allow other people to keep me where they are. I just have to move forward and pray that the ones who are stagnant find the motivation to do that as well, with or without me.

It's Saturday 3:42 am. I'm not out roaming the streets, in search of a new 'move' to fulfill my drunken desires to keep partying on the "scene" or wrapping my intelligence and my value around a man who has nothing to offer me, except a cheap drink. I am in my pajamas in the same place I have been most of yesterday. When I did leave the house, it was to spend quality time with my mother. There is nothing wrong with partying or being social with good company, but I have no interest in it on a level outside of celebrating life and all the major and minor successes of myself and others. I don't like the thought of being at the same old bar, around the same blinded people, but I do like it here, where my silence, my presence, are appreciated. I am not bored with my own company and certainly no longer seek validation from my peers. 

What a complete 180...


Chymere Anais

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