Tuesday, February 23, 2016


At 4:44 this morning, I'd just finish watching 'Year of the 4' documentary that Beyonce released back in 2011.  I know I've used this particular segment of her life as a reference a million times, each time I watch it, different feelings of empowerment emerge from my being, which force me to put certain things into perspective. I wouldn't necessarily consider myself a member of the #BeyHive, but what I love about that documentary is that I'm able to take something significantly new from it each time I watch it. As soon as it went off., I was not inspired and motivated the same way I usually am. Instead, it stirred something within me that made me question the moment I stopped chasing the dreams God placed in my heart. Also, because I am a numbers person, the number IV (4) resonated more this time around in a way that I can't really explain.

As a society, I do believe we invest way too much time into the mentality that dreams don't really come true, and if they do, they are only designed for select few people. We hold on to this, then teach our children to think the same way. Whether it is fate or coincidence, I do not know, but we cling to this belief that we can't go higher than we already are. Because of that, we unconsciously choose to surround ourselves with toxic energy, afraid that any wrong move will disappoint the crabs at the bottom of the bucket who don't want to see anyone succeed beyond what they know.

Aside from that, I've began to notice cycles in my own life. When I clock into a job day in and day out, with each passing hour, it weighs heavy on my heart to find a solution/strategy to overcoming those cycles I mimic, as well as the ones I manifest with my own free will.  The more I learn about all the individuals I personally admire-celebrities and friends alike-who have decided to go after their dreams, I ask myself, 'when did I begin to settle into this mundane life of working just to pay bills and never leaving enough energy to chase mine? Why am I not dedicating any parts of myself to the things that bring happiness and peace to my soul? The questions are still lingering in my brain. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to dig deep enough to sort through all the choices that lead me here to uncover some sort of clear indication of what my own truth is.

It's true that we all want/need a certain level of monetary satisfaction. However, there are days when it literally feels like I've completely surrendered to the hamster wheel, just running in endless circles behind a $$$ that I'm never able to truly enjoy, surrounded by people doing the exact same thing, and it's absolutely draining. Sometimes, guilt eats at me for thinking that there has to be something else out there, because I'm quickly reminded of the people in my life who have sacrificed so much of their life-even their own dreams-making sure I was well taken care of. Those are the moments I have to tell myself to focus on the good and pull myself out of la-la land...at least until my shift is over. 

Perhaps it's not up to me to decide how this all plays out, but I'd like to think that I have some sort of role to play in creating the life I want. It frightens me to imagine coming to the end of this road we call life and not being able to recall anything worth remembering or not having a real impact on the world. Although it sounds a bit cynical to be thinking of the end when adult life is still relatively new to me, I know from experience that it can all be over in the blink of an eye. I'm not sure what even made me want to share this vent; I just want my life to mean something.


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