Wednesday, September 21, 2016

The Happiness Process

More than anything, I just want to be happy, for everyone I love to be happy, and I'd like to believe that it's a common goal across the human race. There is too much going on in the world not to be happy. There is too much hatred in the world to not hope for happiness...and peace...and love...and the power of a sound mind. I think most of the time-especially in cases where there is an oppressed group of people who have been conditioned to feel like they don't deserve it-we forget that we still have the ability to be, thrive in, and maintain that happiness.
"People don't think there's a process to being happy."
-Donald Glover (Childish Gambino) 

Despite that burning desire, I honestly haven't been truly happy in what feels like years. Lately, there's been a lot of chatter about mental health issues, which begets a lot of resources for those who are struggling with things such as depression, anxiety, etc. However, it hasn't dawned on me to actually reach out to a professional and allow them to assist me with whatever it is keeping me back from my own happiness. A part of this is because I don't think my "depression" is that bad, or if I can even rightfully call it that. Another reason is I haven't shifted to a mental space that believes this is a real disease. As crazy as it may sound, I'm one of many black people who aren't ready to talk about mental health, especially in regards to myself. Although I'm openly discussing this right now, as I've been trying to be more vulnerable, I know many people don't read these kind of long, emotional rants on my blog and the people who do read it are typically kind and sincere in their approach, so it's easier to write in this space. It may seem selfish, but at least it's honest.

The trauma my people face on a regular basis doesn't help. Watching mothers lose their sons and black children lose their fathers, not due to natural causes, but at the hands of those there to 'protect and serve' doesn't help. The negative news and media's exhausting attempting to mold how much information we consume by the hour doesn't help. And every time I read about another hashtag, I instinctively crawl into myself, pray for this nightmare to be over, and wish a black man I'm in love with (who loves me also) was there to hold me until I stop crying. Unfortunately, misery loves company and it's really hard to be sad in a world like this...alone. Again, I know it sounds selfish, but my heart is heavy and love is the only solution I can think of to truly escape the ugliness that tries its best to dismantle all the beauty that does exist.
"Love is the revolution."
-Maria Hamilton, mother of Dontre Hamilton

In terms of being happy, I continue to fight to achieve personal happiness and cherish the things in this life that bring me joy (music, family, adventures, to name a few), because whether outsiders looking in realize it or not, it is a process. Some lows are more difficult to overcome than other low points, but I continue to humble myself in gratitude daily and consider that, even on my worst day, I still have so much to be thankful for. I still carry enough light to go out and be a positive force in the world...and hopefully, that counts for something. 



  1. This is close to home. I just spoke of the same feelings on a post the other day. Happiness doesn't seem easy to get to these days. Mental health is a serious thing but if you feel that depression may be possibility, seek the assistance you need to get through it. I keep telling myself that I will contact a therapist as well. I'm hear with you!

    xoxo - Amanda Nicole

    1. It just seems to be a constant struggle, but I am trying. I have been talking to my mom about seeking professional help. I'll go check out your post as well!


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