Saturday, November 5, 2016

Darling, Never Let a F*ckBoi Ruin Your Heart

This post is a little different for me, as I don't write many pieces in a conversational tone and intentionally steer clear of relationship think pieces these days. I also normally don't use vulgar language to get my point across in order to keep the site rated PG as much as possible. However, this title/topic was on my heart the way it spilled out and for the sake of keeping it 100 as the kids would say, so I've decided to keep it the way it was worded in my head. Mom & Dad, if you all are reading this, I apologize. ; )

As of right now, I am single and have been for quite some time now...and it's not so much choice as it is circumstance. However, I've gotten quite comfortable here, which can be a good thing when I'm learning so much about the person I am and the woman I am becoming. On the downside of being single are normal things like not having anyone constant around to talk to or hang out with, always being the odd wheel of group outings, late night cravings for...things adults do in committed relationships, etc. But also, there's a certain stubbornness that comes with being single for so long, just because I'm only used to thinking about myself, therefore, not really in a place to make the art of compromise a part of my daily routine.

So recently, maybe in the past 2 years or so, I've opened myself up to dating and...I really don't have much to say about that part, because obviously, I'm still very single. Without going into specific details about what my love + dating life-for starters - I know I take dating way too seriously, as I'm driven by stone age ideals of courting. I'm willing to admit that in a dating situation where I'm supposed to just see where things go, I'm usually the one to catch feelings long before an actual relationship takes place. I'm also not very skilled at "casual" dating or dating just to pass time. Maybe that's a downfall of mine, but thus far, it's not really my thing. Even more than that, I was tired of opening up to people who weren't ready to see my layers. And anytime someone hurts my feelings, instantly, I'm  ready to resort back to the single life and just give up entirely on this whole idea of dating in 2017 + beyond, which could partially be blamed on anxiety.

For instance, someone i was seeing would do something to really make me feel a type of way and regret that I even opened my heart in the first place. Like a knee-jerk reaction, my guards will go up and any of the time we'd spent building something, suddenly won't matter anymore.

In a seductively stern voice from my alter ego (whom I imagine to sound like Jada Pinkett-Smith's Fish Mooney character on the sitcom 'Gotham'), a message dawned on my heart shortly after that particular incident:
Darling, don't you EVER let a f*ckboi/boy ruin your heart.
Less than 24 hours later, a part of me would typically feel like I overreacted and want to reach out, but my alter ego will swoop in, save the day once again, and remind me of what she told me the night before. However, if I'm so lead to eventually reach out, I can without feeling weak for doing so...because again, I shouldn't allow anyone to turn my heart cold.

Fuckbois/boys/men, especially, should NEVER be given an opportunity to ruin your good heart. Some may ask: what exactly is a fuckboy? It's the person you thought of when you clicked this post (lol), but seriously...I think of it as the guy who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is someone who spends most of his time manipulating women and worrying about how his needs can be met, not necessarily concerned with who it can affect in the process. Or someone who never wants a woman to act like she's in a relationship, yet does and says everything to lead her (and probably every other woman he encounters, tbh) to feel like they're exclusive. Moreso, someone who fails at holding himself accountable for destroying someone's heart. The list goes on and on, but I think it varies by person and we've all encountered at least one that fits the description without having to go into further details about who he is.

Don't get me wrong: I do believe people have the ability change. I also strongly believe that everyone ain't for everybody, so I always make a note that he may not do to the next girl the same thing he did to me. On the other hand, I believe in the law of attraction and that we have more control than we think over the kind of people we attract into our lives. Either way, I do not believe we have the power to change anyone other than ourselves; our only responsibility comes from within and how we choose to perceive things. It's certainly not a smart idea for anyone to sit around and wait for someone to change and prey on the hope that eventually, they'll fit certain expectations/standards, even if we ourselves embody the standard we've created.  Although things are sometimes easier said than done, this is what I'm learning: meet people where they are or leave.

Perhaps, the terminology I've assigned to him directly and several others is too harsh. If I'm being honest with myself, it could very well be a matter of misjudgment, misinterpretation, miscommunication or even the lingering hurt resurfacing while I write this. Every guy that has ever broken my heart may actually be outstanding guys, decent human beings capable of love and I'm the one who needs deliverance, but for the sake of emphasis, you get the point: it's not worth it to allow anyone who doesn't deserve your love in the first place to cause you to miss your blessing or worse yet, distort your views on love.

Quite possibly, I've been the real issue in the situation, the common denominator, which means it was probably best to focus on myself and my personal development without having to worry about entertaining or including someone else in my life. Plus, I'm still young, so I'm almost positive there is plenty of time (God-willing) for romantic love to find its way to me, only when I'm ready to receive it. In the meantime, all I can do is dry the tears as they fall, adjust my crown, and live life in such a way that enables me to be better, not bitter, moving forward.

That being expressed, here is my message to whoever who needs it: as much as it feels like a loss right now, later you and I will both understand why certain things had to happen the way they did, with every single individual it happened/happens with. I don't have all the answers, but I do know we should never change the nature of who we are and how we love just because we were faced with yet another disappointment. Shit happens. No point of taking it out on the next person or assuming that it'll always be the way it is right now. No point in convincing yourself that all men are the same or that you'll never find love. Most importantly, there is no point in altering the very thing that makes you beautiful, simply because someone didn't know how to appreciate it.

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