Saturday, August 5, 2017

Spotless Mind

Perhaps I wrote home too soon on my blooming "love" for this city, because less than 4 months later, I'm questioning why I thought it was a good decision to move to Nashville. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but something is missing and it's a very unsettling feeling. Even in the midst of it becoming a thriving city, I just don't see myself being here long term. If I'm being completely honest, I'm starting to feel a little out of place - a little uncomfortable even-  in areas where there is a general lack of representation and culture, that is simply majority white, which is something totally different from being diverse. 

Don't get me wrong; there are so many great things that this city has to offer and I wouldn't want to deter anyone from moving to Nashville if that's what they are lead to do, but I have yet to find my footing or my groove here. The only thing I can honestly say I somewhat enjoy is my job.  At times, it seems like my workplace is my only escape. Who wants to live in a place where the only thing they look forward to is going to work everyday? If that's not misery, what is it? That's another thing: this city lacks ambition and I can't afford to be influenced by that kind of complacency.

I deserve to be in a place I absolutely love, in a city where my goals and dreams are able to thrive, especially if I'm going to be paying a substantial amount of money each month for rent. Who even knew it was so damn expensive to live in Nashville? Maybe, I haven't worked hard enough to be so entitled or maybe I haven't given the city a real chance. Perhaps, it has more to do with just not having found "the one" yet. Whatever the case may be, I'm already brainstorming a plan to get the hell out of here as soon as I can with minimum repercussions to my finances. 

Regardless of where my mind wanders off to, I do think it's odd to want to bounce so soon when I literally just got there, because this is typical me: not happy home, so I leave; not happy elsewhere, so I go back home. I'm definitely no stranger to uprooting my life and moving somewhere completely different. However, aside from my wild California experience a few years ago, I have never missed home quite like I do now. I don't even think it's a matter of me missing home per se, I just always crave home/places like home when I feel myself losing balance.

As much as I desire a certain level of stability at this point in my life, it seems like I'm never truly satisfied. For example, moving to Los Angeles was a dream I'd been holding on to since I was a freshman in high school. Long story short, it just wasn't what I was all. Obviously, there's somewhat of an internal conflict happening that I haven't quite figured out how to resolve or else I wouldn't be constantly trying to seek happiness outside of myself and/or in new environments. On one hand, I get that I'm unattached (single, no children, etc.), so being open to exploring what exist outside of my comfort zone is warranted and encouraged. On the other hand I'm forced to question if I'm ever going to find whatever it is that I'm looking for. 

At this point, I seriously do not know which is worse: to suck it up and give this city another chance or accept that it's simply not for me and go back home to figure out what I want to do/where I want to go next, if I must leave at all.

"...I started as a love song, 24 years in the making / moving from place to place and / I never really settled down / without a place to call home / I got so used to the changes..."


1 comment

  1. I love reading your more personal posts because they mirror our real-time conversations a lot of the time. I didn't realize however that you realized there was unhappiness at the root of all of this moving. I think once you figure out that part, you'll find yourself more satisfied where you are. You just have to truly come to terms with who you are and where you are right now. I think maybe one day NY or Cali will prove to feel like home just like the A does, but again, you have to figure out the you in all of this first - which as always, is a long, arduous journey.

    I might join you! When I got this paper stacked lol.


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