Wednesday, November 22, 2017

walking in circles

"Maybe I should kill my inhibition, 
maybe I'll be perfect in a new dimension.
Maybe I should pray a little harder, 
or work a little smarter.."

[Journal entry: 11.22.17 AM]

I do consider myself to be creative and ambitious, I sometimes wish I was better at execution or didn't lack direction in general. I just feel like I've re-structured my dreams so much, only for my heart to drift off to the same places and I'm back at square one all over again. Walking in circles. And when I take the time to reflect, all I can really think about is how much time I've wasted and where the past decade went...and I would hate to wind up in that same, perpetual thought cycle 10 years from now. 

This is why the opening lyrics to 'Anything' by Sza resonates with me, because I am fully aware that a lot of this internal battle falls back on what I'm doing-or not doing, rather. I'm the one who is to be held accountable and I'm the one who has to make the necessary changes and adjustments.

Who's to say that if I made better choices in life, things would be better than they are right now? Who's to say that if I married that person or went to that school that I would be in a better place? I'll never know, so I might as well always start here, no matter how many times I think I've been "here" before. 

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